I know. I walked out the door
Don’t remember what it all was for
I just wanted you to chase after me-
Tell me to turn around; but I’m all alone.
I break, knowing I’m not good enough
Every inch is scarred, calloused, and rough
Unwanted orphan searching for a home
No, not a house- I long for a home.
My heart, I gave you; you’re my only home
Yet I still feel like an orphan every storm.
I threaten to leave without meaning to
And suddenly I am put to shame.
All I wanted was you to be my home
To welcome me back despite where I’ve come from.
Wrap me in your arms; tell me all is okay.
When I try to run, chase me- make me stay.
Alone, I walked out the door
I looked back and sobbed ‘til my eyes were sore
All I wanted was for you to say you’re sorry;
Tell me to turn around as you chase after me.
Is it wrong that I fear your departure
That I watch as intently as a vulture
No, you’re not a prey I wish to capture—
I just really need you in my future.
I’m alone in my silence,
And there she is with Conscience.
I’m in bed, in the darkness,
She tells me I am worthless.
Long days when I feel unloved,
She whispers- to only agree
Triggered through my sensitive skin,
Another wave, she rushes in.
Inseparable- no escape
Endless pitfall of guilt and shame.
Bitter feelings, jealousy-
There’s no future nor hope for me.
To dream for her death is to dream-
A dream so remote, I dare not dream
To tame is a skill I do not have
As the soul is unwilling to embrace.
She walks with me everyday-
She walks among us, my friends.
Don’t look at me on the dark days;
You might see her instead.
My heart crumbled with fear,
And he left me in my tears
As he went to bed that night
Without saying the words “goodnight.”
He used to be so kind
Looking at me with his soft eyes;
A gentle smile of love,
Sweet words to halt my sobs.
I remember him wiping away my tears,
Whispering apologies in my ears;
I remember the day when he said
He can never get mad at me.
I miss the days when he
Would be ever forgiving to me.
His patience would never run low
As it unconditionally grew.
But times have changed and he-
Has changed along with time.
Now I shall sleep in fear
With this crumbling heart of mine.
The day was sunny and the future was bright-
A brief escape from reality’s flames
A wondrous heaven of aimless walking and laughter,
Endless as it seemed-
Too good to be true.
As all good things come to an end
The day has passed; you brought me back
To my darkness that I try to destroy.
Bottomless pit, sorrowful tears,
Rain and rainbow in its cycle
Too much sunlight brings forth heaven’s tears.
Endlessly caged within my storm,
I try not to be happy;
I’m afraid that I will be.
His sword, his shield, his cap, his built
His twisted mind; heart without guilt
Rider on a horse as dark as night
Do not be fooled- a thief in disguise.
With you, he’ll ride across the sky,
Beware dauntless princess, pure as white;
Taboo is the full moon- don’t draw near,
Break away when to the moon he veers.
Riding faster, steel forms in his eyes
Tell him to stop, the faster he’ll fly.
Dives into the full moon, clouds your mind,
Kills your soul, leaves you entwined.
His words, his gifts, his touch, his kiss
His promises of perfect bliss
Rider on a dark horse as dark as night
Do not be fooled- an assassin in disguise.
Ashamed of the things I allowed to be done, ashamed of my sin,
I let these things define who I am- the past and mistakes.
For long, I’ve thrived in my guilt, broke down a number of times
Fearing the consequences to come- punishment from above.
With my sin and immoral acts, I drifted apart from You;
For how can I come to You in prayer when Perfection is Your name.
I heard the devil’s victory laugh as my soul collapsed
As I allowed my every shame to conquer and devour my core.
Fearing how people would see me and judge me when they find my flaws,
Knowing how people love to gossip as I lose their respect.
Afraid of how unlovable I would then be if things were to fall apart-
How I would grow old, lonely and gray, bitter of all things.
Searching for people’s approval, people-pleaser that I am,
I forget there is one to please the most- You, O Lord.
I let the world win over my convictions and sway me from my roots
I ask for Your forgiveness, for strength- to be renewed.
Your great love remains unchanged even though I’ve let You down;
There is nothing I can ever do for You to love me any more or less.
Your grace is abundant, Your blessings overflow;
I’m showered everyday by Your grace that I do not deserve.
Lord, lead me to follow Your commands, allow me to stand firm
I long to draw closer to You, as I have drifted far.
I am Your sheep- wandered lost, fallen, and wounded;
You are my good Shepherd, searching and calling me home.