I know. I walked out the door
Don’t remember what it all was for
I just wanted you to chase after me-
Tell me to turn around; but I’m all alone.
I break, knowing I’m not good enough
Every inch is scarred, calloused, and rough
Unwanted orphan searching for a home
No, not a house- I long for a home.
My heart, I gave you; you’re my only home
Yet I still feel like an orphan every storm.
I threaten to leave without meaning to
And suddenly I am put to shame.
All I wanted was you to be my home
To welcome me back despite where I’ve come from.
Wrap me in your arms; tell me all is okay.
When I try to run, chase me- make me stay.
Alone, I walked out the door
I looked back and sobbed ‘til my eyes were sore
All I wanted was for you to say you’re sorry;
Tell me to turn around as you chase after me.
Is it wrong that I fear your departure
That I watch as intently as a vulture
No, you’re not a prey I wish to capture—
I just really need you in my future.
Not knowing when be one last time,
This could be time to bid goodbye
As I doubt the days to come
Am I still the apple of your eyes?
Somehow your kindness starts to fade
Though you still wipe away my tears
It’s no longer the same as before-
The way you calmed my fears.
Suddenly, in you, I saw my past
Repeating for my future;
I see the boy who left me back then
Who wavered as he was no longer sure.
If in the future lies one last time,
Then this could be time to bid goodbye
I doubt the days to come-
Will I forever be the apple of your eyes?
Perhaps they were right- we are too young;
Old enough to fall in love, too young to stay in love.
We are young. We are growing, unstable, maturing-
People change; we’re molded with different dents,
But maybe we’re too old to dent on the same end
And sometimes I can’t help it but
I miss you.
We fight, each time under a new flag you charge;
You whip me with your tongue, hands, empty art-
I, so wounded deep, stand to stay strong
To only be chastised for being strong;
And sometimes I can’t help it but
I miss you.
I miss the gracefully dented art
I envisioned you to be.
I miss the unscraped sides I saw-
Or thought were there as they seemed.
I miss your soft clay to bend and dent at my own scratches and flaws;
Perhaps they were right and we are wrong together
But at the end of the day, for how long we shall last, though we’re no longer the same
I love you more to date.
My heart wants to work it out with you,
Marry you- grow old with you.
My heart ain’t got somebody else;
Don’t wanna start with someone new.
Stupid heart- in prison; my mind, prison guard
There’s only so little left of me, I’m going insane.
You drive me crazy; can’t bruise again
I set myself free.
You tore me to pieces
What’d you expect me to do
My stupid heart, I love you
But I hate you,
Can’t take my mind off you.
And if you see me with him,
All smiles with the perfect man
I might be wishing it’d be you
Waiting for you to come take me home.
But these words I can never tell you
I won’t tell you; I’m a woman.
So If you ask me if I’m happy with him,
If I’m over you, found somebody new-
I might lie.
I know I told you to leave me alone
When all I really want is you to stay with me.
I know I’ve said we ain’t got no hope
But deep inside I want you to prove me wrong.
And even if I won’t pick up the phone
To see the miss calls bring warmth in my heart
But you drive me crazy; need to protect myself
I set myself free.
And if someday I get a boyfriend, if any, after you
And you decide you still want me, and your heart aches to see me with him
Don’t be afraid to come over, and tell me the truth
And court me like you’ve never before, cause maybe I’m really still into you.
And someday when I’m in a white dress, bells ringing, doves singing
And your heart aches seeing me in a white dress with some other man,
Don’t be afraid to stand up, and speak before it’s too late-
And spare me from eternity thinking what it would be if you were a better man.
Spare me from eternity spending my lifetime with the wrong man.
And if in a decade or so, I’m still your only one,
Even after I have wandered far and lied to you,
Perhaps then I will know it’s true
And maybe then I wouldn’t have to lie,
Maybe then I could finally say
I love you too.
If you choose to take on this battle with me, then please do not give up midway. This war will last for years- perhaps a decade or more, so spare my fragile heart from crumbling to pieces then. If you find that you are not strong enough to continue fighting for me for 10 long years, then you might as well not enter the battle at all. Once you start fighting, please, fight until your last breath. Aim to finish the war.
Someday we’ll know if we are meant to be
Even when right now, we have space between.
One day, we’ll test whether my hands still fit in yours,
Whether my face still finds the curve of your neck.
A long road full of beasts, fire, and thorns
Is the road we travelled on and fell plenty times.
Although you are the nightmare that I love,
There’s still time for you to make a change.
To be mine, you’ll have to work harder than the rest;
But if you pass this quest, I can give you my best.
Two hearts must remain true through the dessert march,
A life-long battle with drought, hanging on to faith.
This be the path you choose, equip your heart-
The armor of God you must have for yourself.
Be ready for the enemies, as well as the king and queen;
Their sole princess, reserved for the best knight.
Don’t you worry ’bout others; work on yourself
Let God take over and change your heart
Wisdom can only come from Him above,
And wisdom be what you are to crave.
Do all for His glory; do what is right-
Your princess may wander, but in your arms she’ll be
When she sees you a better man- so equip yourself.
Choose your armor and be wise; the battle has begun.
(Happy 18th Birthday, R.M.K.)
Ashamed of the things I allowed to be done, ashamed of my sin,
I let these things define who I am- the past and mistakes.
For long, I’ve thrived in my guilt, broke down a number of times
Fearing the consequences to come- punishment from above.
With my sin and immoral acts, I drifted apart from You;
For how can I come to You in prayer when Perfection is Your name.
I heard the devil’s victory laugh as my soul collapsed
As I allowed my every shame to conquer and devour my core.
Fearing how people would see me and judge me when they find my flaws,
Knowing how people love to gossip as I lose their respect.
Afraid of how unlovable I would then be if things were to fall apart-
How I would grow old, lonely and gray, bitter of all things.
Searching for people’s approval, people-pleaser that I am,
I forget there is one to please the most- You, O Lord.
I let the world win over my convictions and sway me from my roots
I ask for Your forgiveness, for strength- to be renewed.
Your great love remains unchanged even though I’ve let You down;
There is nothing I can ever do for You to love me any more or less.
Your grace is abundant, Your blessings overflow;
I’m showered everyday by Your grace that I do not deserve.
Lord, lead me to follow Your commands, allow me to stand firm
I long to draw closer to You, as I have drifted far.
I am Your sheep- wandered lost, fallen, and wounded;
You are my good Shepherd, searching and calling me home.