I’m alone in my silence,
And there she is with Conscience.
I’m in bed, in the darkness,
She tells me I am worthless.
Long days when I feel unloved,
She whispers- to only agree
Triggered through my sensitive skin,
Another wave, she rushes in.
Inseparable- no escape
Endless pitfall of guilt and shame.
Bitter feelings, jealousy-
There’s no future nor hope for me.
To dream for her death is to dream-
A dream so remote, I dare not dream
To tame is a skill I do not have
As the soul is unwilling to embrace.
She walks with me everyday-
She walks among us, my friends.
Don’t look at me on the dark days;
You might see her instead.
You were a stranger in her eyes
Thought you could never suffice.
She never considered falling-
Falling, tumbling, and drowning.
The offbeat fascinated you,
And you came when the sky was blue.
You showed her care when she was weak,
So you were in her mind for weeks.
You fell too quickly just like that;
Never knew her present, future, past.
Her thoughts- you could never tell,
Yet she knew you O so well.
Could it be a mere circumstance-
Fondness mistaken for romance?
Though she found what she was searching for,
You were both on different floors.
She fell for you inside-out,
Loved you up, down- all around.
She never considered falling,
Yet she fell- tumbling and drowning.
When did I start living? This I ask myself.
My eyes caught sight of a photograph-
Resting on my old bookshelf.
In the photo I see- who used to be my other half.
Perhaps he was then, but now I can’t tell
For time changed us and drew us apart.
This memory, my mind no longer dwells.
I’ve found someone who takes the shape of my heart.
I found myself dreaming about he and I-
Impracticality caught inside my head.
I start to wonder as the days go by-
Am I living or am I dead?
Four seasons they would always forecast,
But you always make it a happy summer day.
I hope this feeling would forever last
In your long warm arms and hope you would stay.
What if this summer day would come to an end?
Stormy rains, thunderous lightning- raging wild among the heavens.
This is the fear if I confess my affections to you,
But still I hope you would say you love me too.
But still I hope nothing will ever change
But still I hope you would feel the same way
But still I hope I would never see you in rage
And stay whether or not I’m living inside of death.
(co-written with: Peter Claver O. Tan)
Everything shakes, but I remain still.
No one will stand, but I know I will.
Even though death will hunt for me,
Making me back down can never be.
The poison comes and hollows me out,
As the swirling black hole swallows me,
Don’t know, don’t care what life is about,
The gray scale colors are all I see.
As depression comes so quickly,
Sadness, hatred, and the will to die.
I begin to see one word clearly:
Death. Suicide- a piece of pie.
But just when I feel no one loves me,
I remember a few faces,
One of them, yours, I see,
A bit of happiness then increases.
How strange, the way you affect my life,
As we do not talk much face to face,
But all that’s needed is a glance,
With your eyes, I know what they say.
I still don’t know how you could love me-
Short, fat, not pretty, not ugly.
Not kind, not mean, not dumb, not witty.
I’m just mediocre, really.
But you love me and you care,
All these years you’ve never failed.
You’ve never placed me in despair,
All these moments that we’ve shared.
To the wind, I say hello
As I hum in deep mellow.
The dandelions, I blow
As I dance in the meadow.
The sun so bright, smiles at me
As I sit under the tree.
Not one human I can see
In this field of my merry.
Alas! The sun has vanished.
The joyful sounds were silenced.
The wind, the heat, has perished.
As I begin my voyage.