Disclaimer: The following may contain upsetting context that may be inappropriate for certain audiences. This does not, in any way, encourage suicide or glorify depression. This is to further raise awareness, and a mere form of self-expression. It is best to not to proceed reading if you are going through difficulty, as it may induce strong and upsetting emotions. Thank you.
Did I fail at life–
Or did life fail me,
So much that I
Long to end my life?
For the older I become,
The more I realize
That my endless wait and hope
Are just futile fantasy.
Ashamed of the things I allowed to be done, ashamed of my sin,
I let these things define who I am- the past and mistakes.
For long, I’ve thrived in my guilt, broke down a number of times
Fearing the consequences to come- punishment from above.
With my sin and immoral acts, I drifted apart from You;
For how can I come to You in prayer when Perfection is Your name.
I heard the devil’s victory laugh as my soul collapsed
As I allowed my every shame to conquer and devour my core.
Fearing how people would see me and judge me when they find my flaws,
Knowing how people love to gossip as I lose their respect.
Afraid of how unlovable I would then be if things were to fall apart-
How I would grow old, lonely and gray, bitter of all things.
Searching for people’s approval, people-pleaser that I am,
I forget there is one to please the most- You, O Lord.
I let the world win over my convictions and sway me from my roots
I ask for Your forgiveness, for strength- to be renewed.
Your great love remains unchanged even though I’ve let You down;
There is nothing I can ever do for You to love me any more or less.
Your grace is abundant, Your blessings overflow;
I’m showered everyday by Your grace that I do not deserve.
Lord, lead me to follow Your commands, allow me to stand firm
I long to draw closer to You, as I have drifted far.
I am Your sheep- wandered lost, fallen, and wounded;
You are my good Shepherd, searching and calling me home.
We had agreements we thought we could keep
To only cross over- the trust that I ripped.
Her heart so innocent, so pure, and full of wonder-
Is the heart slipped from my hands, crashing down under.
A million glass pieces, shards that turned black;
Blood from my hands slipping through every crack.
Where light once was came darkness from within
Seeping into her veins and through her bloodstream.
She breathed deeply, closed her eyes,
Little diamonds streaming down her face.
“It’s over,” she whispered; closed her eyes once more-
Kissed me one last time and walked out the door.
I didn’t chase her as I’ve done before,
Nor did I hold her tightly on the porch floor.
Blankly, I stared into empty space
To have years gone by searching for her face.
That teacher with a temper has been left at the altar;
That brother who sees no hope used to hope all too much.
That friend who stopped giving has been taken for granted;
That man who stopped trying has been laughed at and mocked.
That boy who stopped dreaming has been called immature;
That girl who stopped trusting has been betrayed more than once.
A heart that is closed is a heart that has been broken;
A heart that is cold is a heart that was once warm.
Every word and action that may mean nothing to you,
May mean so much to others and cause them destruction too.
Weakening of the flesh, weakening of the soul
Lost will, lost hope, crushed dreams; an empty dark hole.
Forced on the ground- helpless and confused,
It’s been nine months now, but bruise came after bruise.
A pain in your chest, a punch in your gut,
Constricting of the lungs, deep breathes- no air.
A noise in your head, poison starts to spread
Tears well up in your eyes; they start to flow.
A memory- a gift; this memory- a curse
To remember is a nightmare during the day.
Never ending nightmare, still gruesome until now
You wonder when it’ll end, you wonder how.
Hopelessly broken, sprawled on the floor
You worry much more than you’ve ever had before.
Anxious and confused, afraid to make a move;
You avoid the crossroads, but there you are again.
It’s no wonder they say “Look before you fall.”
It may be you were never meant to be at all
Your heart has grown attached, he runs through your veins
His core never really changes when he says he’ll change.
You live your life daily doing what you do;
But inside, your heart is heavy- your mind is too.
For once you wonder if you undergo depression,
That perhaps you’ve gotten a phycological disorder.
Fairytale happy endings you used to dream about
Vanished little by little as doubt come after doubt.
Life hit you hard enough to see reality,
So all that’s left for you is practicality.